08 race #5

they forcasted rain in northern cal that morning.
and it did. it was.
riders were exiting the hotel with disgruntled looks, rain spitting in their face.
clean and dry clothes soon to go dirty, wet. and the anticipation of what sort day it'll be.
over nite my feeling-bad-for-myself turned into a mounting desperation.
by the time we were at the race start (still raining) and familiar norcal faces were mingling in the flow people there to see the riders off
i got over the stg 1 disappointment, thinking then about what was ahead in stage 2.

one very clear regret i had from the ToCA 07 was missing the break on stage 2, when i was right there watching it go, but being conservative about Trinity road ahead, not knowing if the hammer was going to be put down over that climb and i'd need a full deck in order to make the/a selection. . but instead i watched a group of 3 guys go up the road that lasted almost to the finishing circuits.. .

at the team van Tyler and Ryan jr Swift riders came up to me with a BMC banner rolled up under Tyler's arm. they said they were going to be up on Trinity to see us go by. . they said they named Trinity "scott hill" for the day. i told them that was presumptuous. that something like that needed to be earned.
that's the thing about riding/hanging out with those jr guys.. it's that they're no-slouches on the bike. . they are talented kids, hard to shake from your wheel during hard efforts. . the kind of riding partners that you have to fake it like you're thinking/pondering about what you want to say when in actuality you're really just trying to get control of your breathing so when you finally do say something you're not gasping for air as you say it, a tell tale sign that your having to work a little bit harder on the bike than you'd like to admit, meanwhile they're riding next to you breathing out of one nostril.
but the thing is, sometime with youthful hope comes big expectations. . and as good a program as Laura Charameda has created with these riders, often times they're teaching things, or setting a standard that i often have to recollect myself and make sure i'm living up to expectations of what they expect out of a professional rider, a person whose shoes they wish to be (and prob WILL be) in someday.
so, this all to say that often correction, or perspective, or drive, or discipline, or even inspiration, comes out side oneself.
that morning of stage 2, well aware that i was dropping the ball as far as riding an "inspirational" race for my father back in the cancer care facility in michigan that would somehow muse him into fighting his battle of aches pains and partial death from the chemical therapy that was killing off bad cancer cells but also many other good but too rapidly dividing cells, like stomach/intestinal wall cell (hence the nausea).. and that i had people, fans--two punk teenagers for instance, in my grill telling me to make something of the day/myself over trinity, I realized i had to do something.
and also the context of being a member of BMC. . and what sort of philosophy and expectation that Gavin and John have created into which we as riders were meant to adapt.
we were there to race our bikes.
i've said this to a few people, that i dug myself a hole and needed to fill it back in with something. and perhaps if it wasn't for external factors, i would have sat in the peleton again, like a did a year ago, and watch opportunity pass me by ... waiting my own chemo therapy on Mt Hamilton when i knew (like everyone else in the peleton0 that Levi and Co. were going to destroy everyone.
Charlie Livermore came up to me that morning minutes before they fired the start gun. i said, I think i might go early today. he said, Great!. . minutes later, i saw Steven Cozza (another norcal rider who knew the roads) move up the left side 2km after the end of neutral, sensing that he was thinking the same, we moved up and around the group of big names on the front who wanted nothing to do with the breakaway. i was the first one through the wet corner (with a median/island that i'm sure slowed people down) and then just punched it sensing that i had a gab.
they let me go.
and it was blessing.
it helped my cause,
it helped my dad's cause. . .
mom said he stayed awake with one eye watching that day on the computer in the hospital. as soon as i was caught he passed out to get some rest.
it helped my legs too,
and helped my head/mentality.
i don't even remember how long it was.
i was surprised when days/weeks later i realized it was almost 100 miles solo,
it didn't feel like it.
not that any of this is great in the scheme of bike racing. a lot of people would say it was stupid.
but it is great to me, in that it pulled me out of a hole is was in.
and learned the value in having people around, and using them as aid.
if you were to make analogies about this situation toward other things in life, you'd need more than just 4 hours off the front by yourself to do so.
i mean, who was helping who? me my father, or my father me?
people asked me what i thought about while i was up the road.
analogies, that's what i thought about.